Mayhem Project

Ok, so last time I had just realized that the guy who was in charge of our stuff in Virginia Beach had been the same mag agent who had come to my apartment in Springfield, MO months earlier and attempted to smoke weed and drink beer with me.  I'll probably do another wrestling related column next week, but that is then and this is now so enjoy.

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Back to the night of the board game I get back to my room and there's not much going on as 3 of the 4 of us (me, Mikey, and Whitey) were in Jason's room and the other one of us was there playing 360 because he didn't smoke.  We bullshit for a little while and pass out and as the next morning begins all I can wonder is why the fuck I stayed up again so late last night when  I had barely gotten any sleep the night before.

So I wake up and the only thing I'm thinking about is shaving the shit out of my face.  I steal one of the other guys' razors and go old school.  It's a little weird because these past couple of days are the first time that I have seen myself without a goatee since high school.  I do the best I can and as I'm coming out Whitey asks me if I shaved and I tell him I have to the best of my ability.

"Looks a lot better than yesterday." he replies.  Sweet.  Whether he was just saying that or not I don't know but sweet.  Because I really didn't want to have my face cut up.

So we go to coffee again and as the days go by I start to learn...water is free, so if I don't get just a water I get a water and a really cheap donut (which still by the poverty standards that I live by isn't cheap at all).  I bullshit with the friends I am making and we go back, have our team meeting, and start all over again.  Knocking on doors.  Being invited into stranger's homes.  Having old ladies yell at us through their doors that they don't know who "Matt (Whitey) and Eric" are.

Over the course of the time I have been there I've learned that occasionally you will knock on someone's door and get laid.  Jason informed me that 80% of all women have a fantasy of having sex with someone who knocks on their door.  Pizza delivery guys.  UPS guys.  Mormons?  I didn't really know but it sounded appealing.  Especially since at the time I didn't have a girlfriend and at the time all the female mag agents were taken...or completely gross.

Whitey has even told me of some of his sexual escapades and it occurred to me that if a crackhead looking Albino with fucked up teeth could get laid then surely a fat kid with an afro could.  Later that day Whitey and I knock on a door and an ebony princess answers in a red nightie where you could see some absolutely gorgeous breasts.  She pulled up her top a bit as we gave her our spiel and she let us in.

She looks through or little brochure of magazines and we are all sitting around discussing things and I am just trying my hardest to be respectful because let's face it, even if I wasn't respectful...I've got no game.  So she ends up hooking us up and buying some magazines and we leave with a job well done.  As we leave her apartment Whitey looks over to me.

"You know why we got that sale?" he asks.

"Why's that?"

"Because she was dressed like that, and we didn't stare at her or come off as creepy.  We just kept it about the magazines and she respected that."

I nodded and we headed on our way to another set of doors to knock on as I think to myself, "You know, Whitey's right.  We acted like decent people and not huge perverts and we got a sale out of it.  But where the fuck are the sluts?"

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That's it for now.  Hope you're enjoying because this takes me back everytime I post a new entry.  Until next time...Woo.  Woo.  Woo.  You know it.  Catch you guys on the flip flop.  Later.